The definitive guide on dating is a column where I give practical advice on how to find and match with your ideal life partner. It is intended to answer the questions that everyone has, but no one has an answer for. You can find the complete list of all my published guides here. The principles in these essays are taught in abstract, so if you need more specific advice, do not hesitate to write me an e-mail.
If you have watched any movie with any kind of romantic plot, then you know how those stories usually go: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl are either totally incompatible and/or the time and circumstances for them to begin a relationship are the absolute worst. They do it anyway. They flirt. They get physical. The sun sets. They live happily ever after. The kind of romantic “love” Hollywood dishes up for us is nothing but a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. It does not carefully observe, it does not patiently wait, and it defies everything and everyone that stands in its way.
In defense of Hollywood, not only is that about as much they can do with a 90 to 120-minute runtime, but that kind of passionate, easy, cheap, “fast-food love” also sells well. It appeals to our lower, more primitive instincts. It gets our hearts racing and or hormones raging. When the screen reads The End, we come back to reality, but our bodies are still “aching” for a deeply intimate connection with the opposite gender. The movie stirred us. It is an addictive feeling (hence why romantic movies are a genre that keeps selling). For a brief moment, while we watched the movie, we felt like we had that deep connection. Then the reel stopped spinning, and all we were left with, was this intense desire to be close to someone.
It is not a surprise then that so many first dates take place in theaters, and that the movies the two turtledoves watch often have some kind of romantic plot or sub-plot. Deep down, they subconsciously know that what they watch on the screen will affect their behavior. Maybe it will get them in the mood for a first kiss. A “first kiss in a movie theatre” is basically a trope of its own.
It should not be difficult for you to see what the problem here is, right? If you meet someone new, and you become intimately involved with him or her within a few hours or days, what are the chances that the relationship will end with happily ever after? In the movies themselves, the percentage would be 99%, since “happy endings” sell better. But in real life, it is next to zero. When you approach relationships that way, you are literally playing the lottery, and the traditional romantic movie plot is the numbers you mark on your ticket. And that, my friends, is a lottery you are just bound to lose.
So, this begs the question: When you feel that strong, fiery, impetuous impulse to pursue an intimate relationship with someone—especially someone you just met—is it real love?
Infatuation
The short answer is no. It is not real love, but rather its evil twin: infatuation. At some point in our lives, almost all of us have experienced it. And it is not even exclusive to romantic relationships. You can be infatuated with celebrities, your pet animals, a thing, a place, an occupation, even an idea or a dream you have.
Simply put, when you are infatuated, you act no different than someone who has a compulsive or obsessive disorder. The object of your adulation is essentially an idol to you. It can do no wrong. It has no flaw. You forgive anything it does, no matter how egregious. You feel no motivation to think about or pursue anything else. You cannot detach yourself from it. To anyone trying to reason with you, you will appear blind, headstrong, rash, and uncontrollable (and they will appear judgmental to you). You are deaf to the voice of reason and conscience from friend and foe alike. You may even push away those closest to you. You cannot see the folly of your own course. You will defy any restraint; you will break any law. You will do anything to keep worshiping your idol, hoping that doing so will gratify your desire.
If you have ever been infatuated, then I am sure you have pictured that moment as you read the last paragraph. If we sit down and think for a second, all of us can easily recognize what our idols are. Deep inside, we know, but our pride and our attachment to that idol forbids us from admitting it. If your idol is a man or a woman, especially one you are romantically involved with, then you have got a serious problem on your hands. You are essentially sitting in a prison cell of your own making, one without bars, but one you feel no willingness to leave. In fact, you would commit any crime just to keep yourself inside.
I am obviously having a little fun with the word play here, but not I am exaggerating when I say that I have observed this behavior in many people over the years. In fact, I have experienced infatuation myself. I will not get too deeply into the details, but more than once, I have done some illegal things because I was infatuated with a girl. And it was not like it happened right away. It took a long period of me worshipfully submitting myself to this idol before I found myself in those situations. I almost did not realize that it was happening until it did. That is how dangerous infatuation can be. If you fall for it, you may end up doing things you would never think you would do.
Now, there is a kind of infatuation that is “healthy”, though that is probably not the best word to describe it. Of course, you want to feel a certain level of “admiration” and “attraction” towards your love interest. I am not talking about the kind of infatuation that overlooks serious defects in character and other red flags. I am talking about the kind of appreciation that focuses on qualities, and the reasonable amount of romantic attraction that should exist between you and your love interest. You should never ever settle for someone who you are not emotionally and physically attracted to just because, rationally speaking, “he or she is the right choice”. People are not objects. You would both end up being miserable if you made a choice based solely on practicalities.
So, some kind of “healthy infatuation”, admiration, or appreciation (or whatever word you prefer to use instead) has to be there. You would not feel the least bit of inclination to pursue someone romantically if you felt none of that. That is what the neurotransmitter dopamine is for (among other things)—it is for motivation. When you meet someone, and that person knocks your socks off (so to speak), your brain releases this neurotransmitter called dopamine. You feel inclined (motivated) to chase that person. If that mechanism did not exist, mankind would have gone extinct because no one would feel motivated to seek a mate.
Many years ago, an old lady gave me a piece of advice that fits well into the context of this topic (and I might bring it up again). She told me: “When you are dating someone, keep your both eyes wide open. After you marry that person, close one eye.” Once you settle for the right person by getting married, that is when the time has come for you to put on the rose-colored glasses and give (healthy) infatuation free rein. You will be safe to do so. Doing that during the courtship phase, would be a fatal mistake.
Admittedly, when my wife and I met, we were both somewhat infatuated with each other. My wife had the healthy kind of infatuation, however. I did not. And that was a problem because, although we wanted to begin a relationship, the circumstances did not allow us to. We met at a school where relationships between students were not allowed. In the time that we spent there, I saw one of our classmates be kicked out of that school for breaking that rule. Had that happen to my wife or me, we would not only have been kicked out of the school, but out of the country altogether (the school was located in the United States and our visas were tied to it). We had to wait a little less than a year to finish up our education, but I struggled to be patient.
Again, my wife was the wiser of us both. I made a verbal commitment to her and that was enough for her. She also gave me the freedom to change my mind during that waiting period. I, on the other hand, was struck by an unnecessarily agonizing fear of abandonment. I was constantly thinking of ways to work around the circumstances so that I could be with her and shower her with affection, in the hopes that she would reaffirm her commitment to me over and over again. And no matter how much she did, I was never satisfied nor fully convinced. Really, I was just being insecure. Inevitably, this led us to a conversation where she had to tell me in firm language that I either get my act together or risk losing her. That was not because she wanted to lose me but, again, because if I, in my infatuated state, made a mistake, the circumstances would force us to split.
I vividly remember that conversation being the turning point for me. That experience really taught me something about patience and self-control/self-restraint. Often, when we become infatuated, we do not wait for the right time to take the next step in the relationship. We try to take shortcuts. We get anxious. We push forward with all our might. We force ourselves upon our love interests. And in that state of mind, we make mistakes that often cost us dearly. I almost jeopardized my future with Katrina because of my infatuation.
In a way, that conversation felt like a breakup—even though it never was even close to being one (and we were not in an official relationship anyway). But it somehow helped me to shift my way of thinking. I understood that there was nothing I could do. There was a chance that she could have changed her mind about being with me and I had to accept that (if I truly loved her, that is). I had been desperately and fruitlessly trying to control a situation that I had no control over (another symptom of infatuation). I did not allow the circumstances to play out as they had to. When you are infatuated, that is the way you act. But repeating the thought from the previous section: When you give up on trying to control something you cannot, you find a peace that surpasses all understanding. I did.
It may sound like a cliché, but it is true that if two people are meant for each other, then nothing can prevent it. I know thousands of stories, so I can confidently back up this claim. When people just sat back, relaxed, and let destiny do its thing, they ended up happily ever after. Whenever people became possessed by infatuation (or indeed, began acting in a possessive manner), they ended up sabotaging their relationships. So, after a while, I was able to calm down and look at the situation a little more pragmatically (more balanced): If Katrina and I we ended up together, great. If not, great anyway. We were free to pursue someone better suited.
Thankfully, we really were meant to be, and we have been walking on the journey of life together ever since we officially began our courtship on May 16, 2016.
So, again, though you may have a horde of butterflies in your stomach, you need to douse them with a nice, cold cup of water, to bring some balance to the situation. Do not pursue someone you have absolutely no emotional and physical attraction for. Do not force a relationship on yourself with someone who does not make your heart skip a beat every once in a while. That has to be there. But at the same time, do not get completely swept up in an emotional roller coaster. Do not let the cart get out of control, especially in the physical intimacy department. Let your heart skip a beat every once in a while, but do not let it go into arrest. Take your infatuation as a sign that there could be potential in the relationship, but hold its reins and use your brain to make a reasonable assessment. Be. Balanced.
“I just cannot help myself”
You would not believe how many people I have heard make that previous statement. They cannot stop thinking about the person that they are infatuated with. They cannot hold themselves back from running after their love interest. They say that they have “fallen in love”, but what really happened is that they have “fallen in-fatuation”.
They could change their way of thinking, but they convinced themselves that they cannot (I was there, so I know what it feels like). The story of my wife and I had a happy ending, despite my initial bout of infatuation. Unfortunately, in most cases, if one or both parties are infatuated and out of control, that is one of the clearest signs that the relationship is not meant to be. Their interest in each other is (as was my case) entirely based on the hope that the other party will make them happy. It is just selfishness at its core. They want to have a relationship to feel good about themselves and/or to fulfill their own desires.
Look honestly into your heart. If this describes you, then know that you are infatuated. That relationship you are hoping for probably is not meant to be, but that is good news because it also means that something better is waiting for you further down the road.
What you need, is a paradigm shift, much like I had. You need to repeat the truth to yourself in your mind (and do it often). You need to reframe the situation in your thoughts. Here is an example of what that could sound like: “If I lose this person, I will be better off. In reality, I will not have lost anything that was mine to begin with. The relationship was not mutually enriching nor elevating. It was not benefiting either one of us. Parting ways or not beginning it at all was the truly loving thing to do here. I gave him or her freedom to pursue the life that he or she is meant to live. And I myself, am free to pursue the life that I am meant to live, including finding the man or woman who I am meant to be with.” Does not this sound a lot more positive?
Yes, you will hurt for a while, but you will eventually get over it. When people separate, a great emotional vacuum is left behind. You will feel “empty” inside. But as you pursue meaning in your life, that hole will fill right back up. When the right person comes along, you will hopefully have learned not to try to fill that hole by entering a relationship with him or her. That would also be a sign of infatuation: You treat your love interest as if he or she was a vital organ, and you would die if you lost it. Instead, think that you are here to enrich the life of your love interest with the wonderful things you filled that hole in your heart with beforehand. Relationships are not about pleasing our own fancy, but that of the people you relate to. If both parties have this mindset, then the relationship can be nothing but a pleasure.
And finally, if you want an impartial, unbiased opinion on whether you are infatuated or not, ask someone you know, preferably someone who is not a very close friend and feels the need to tell you what you want to hear. An outside observer, who is emotionally detached from the situation, should be able to tell you the truth. In fact, ask your enemies what they think. They will likely give you the most honest answer.
What true love looks like in practice
In conclusion, true love is essentially characterized by the opposite of all the words we used to describe infatuation. True love is calm. It is patient. It does not skip steps. It is not anxious. It does not try to speed things up. True love is not concerned with externals, but is attracted by real qualities of character. It does not seek to please its own fancy or to gratify its own desires. It gives an open ear to wise counsel. It does not break rules. True love does not impose itself on others. It allows freedom, even the freedom to be rejected.
In my experience, once I accepted whatever fate awaited me—whether Katrina did or did not become my girlfriend—real love replaced infatuation. From then on, I lost all anxiety over the matter and patiently waited until we could be together. Notwithstanding, I was overjoyed on the day she said yes when I asked her if she wanted to become my girlfriend. You are reading the result of that decision I made to let go and give up control. And yes, it is a decision. You can “help yourself”.
When you repeat this idea that you “just cannot help yourself” in your mind, you end up making a lot of bad decisions driven by anxiety. You try to force a relationship when there should not be one. You invest an inordinate amount of effort. But ideally, a relationship—if it is with the right person—should be effortless. That is another characteristic of true love. When you are committed to each other, when you truly love one another, there is no reason to be anxious or to fear abandonment. You do not have to doubt the promises of your significant other and you do not have to make sure that you have got him or her under your control. Your boyfriend or girlfriend will not leave. He or she has voluntarily decided to stay. You are together for the right reasons. Your lives are fuller, richer, and more useful because you are in that relationship. You will feel like you naturally get along without having to think too deeply about how you act around each other. I am not dismissing putting in real effort to act lovingly towards your boyfriend or girlfriend. What I am saying is that, wherever there is true love, you will never feel like you cannot bring yourself to put in that effort. It will come naturally. Trust me, my friend. You will know what that “feels like” when you are there.
However, if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to part ways with you for some reason, you have to let him or her go. Keeping someone chained to you is not a loving thing to do, no matter how well you think you take care of him or her, how much he or she may hurt him or herself if you are not there, how much he or she means to you, or even how much time and effort you invested in the relationship. In the face of freedom and liberty in love, none of that matters. Forcing your boyfriend or girlfriend to stay in the relationship is selfish. You are holding two people hostage, not just one. By not letting go, both of you become miserable. You are together, but you are not happy. Whereas, if you let go, you could both be free to pursue a better life.
Infatuation deals with feelings and emotions only. Love also deals with principles. In fact, love is first and foremost a principle. No matter how much you think you love this person, remember that, in the long term, you will have days when you will “feel” that you do not “love” him or her as much as on other days. Your stomach will eventually flush out the butterflies. The honey will eventually drip off the moon. You will eventually get used to being with that person day in and day out. Then, someday, he or she will do or say something that annoys you or maybe you are just in a bad mood that day yourself and you would rather be left alone. That does not mean that you stopped loving your husband or wife. It just means that you do not feel so good that day.
Feelings go up and down. In this life, with all its challenges and tragedies, it is impossible to always “feel” happy and satisfied. Happiness in this life is a combination of two things: It is a (rare and unpredictable) byproduct of right choices, and it is a state of mind you can choose to be in most of the time. The same goes for real love.
Our feelings, even about our significant others, may go up and down. What does not change, is our love for them—the choice we made (a choice based on principle). Therefore, true love is a principle, more than it is a feeling, and in practical terms, it is a commitment, namely that you will stick to that person till death do you part, even on those days you do not “feel” so good. No matter how you or your husband or wife feels at any given moment, you trust that the love that exists between you two (the principle, the commitment, the choice) is still there. In an intimate, committed relationship, this is what true love looks like.
It is worth giving up on your infatuation for the wrong person, to find the one that you can experience this kind of commitment with, the one you are truly meant to be with, your one true love.
Gravitation
Boy meets girl, girl meets boy
He hunts her, she plays coy
They are not matched, nor are they mated
Yet obsession has them half baited
The timing’s wrong, the situation dire
Such circumstances often catch on fire
And that obsession has a name
Infatuation is the game
Some flirting, some touching, the sun is set
No way they’ll be happy, you wanna bet?
Hollywood likes to paint it easy
All unreal, hence why it looks cheesy
Passionate, cheap, and quite convenient
Fast-food love, on the gut not lenient
So why be this then the standard approach?
No better a way to money than poach
No one falls “in love" through gravitation
See the contrast to “in-fatuation”
Obsessive, compulsive, outwardly revulsive
They follow a trend that but can be impulsive
Adulation, admiration, an idol at the core
Adoration situation that you soon could deplore
She has no flaw, he does no wrong
But misery takes you along
At first you forgive, and quickly forget
Can’t overlook what a dangerous threat
However egregious the red flags be
In future near, you will want to break free
No other motivation, nothing else on your mind
A stroke of agitation, it’s like you have gone blind
Headstrong, rash, defiant of all restraint
Who knows whether you may come to a faint
Rejected the counsel, of friend and foe alike
Expected the outcome, thunder will soon you strike
It clear is, you will sink in to the mire
Is all this worth to gratify desire?
Consider the alternative, I invite you now
An experience so formative, it’ll raise your brow
Calm and patient, have no such anxiety
There is no need for secret society
A step a time, don’t speed things up
If you force your way, you’ll break up
The shape of her body, the color of his eyes
None of that will matter, as man some day thus dies
Real qualities of character you should seek
Or else your life’s future may turn out bleak
Give an open ear to those wiser and older
As to not your love interest bother and smolder
What if you to part ways agree?
True love will set both of you free
Its devotion is real and abiding
It is focused out, nothing dividing
And do not let God behind
If true love you want to find
The title of this poem was inspired by a quote from Albert Einstein, who famously said: “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
However, there is no source corroborating that he actually ever made such a statement.
After a little bit of research, I found out that this urban legend may stem from a footnote that Einstein wrote on a letter that was addressed to him.
Side note: Imagine scribbling a random thought on a piece of paper and it decades later becoming almost a popular saying, worldwide. Wild!
The text from that footnote is found in Albert Einstein, The Human Side: Glimpses from His Archives, edited by Helen Dukas and Banesh Hoffmann, published by Princeton University Press. The footnote (jotted in German and translated into English) reads thus:
“Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do, but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.”
The original in German (for those who, like me, speak the language), can be found in Nineteen Eighty-Four: Science Between Utopia and Dystopia, edited by Everett Mendelsohn and Helga Nowotny, and published by Springer. It reads thus:
Sich verlieben ist gar nicht das Dümmste, was der Mensch tut - die Gravitation kann aber nicht dafür verantwortlich gemacht werden.
Next: The best place to search for love
Image credit: Rushay Booysen on Pexels.